So it turns out that even a church can reveal itself to be an unhealthy place. Maybe you noticed it when your pastor, priest, or minister started promoting hateful ideas. Or maybe you noticed it when your bible study group stopped discussing the scripture, and started ranting about immigrants.
Whatever you’ve noticed, whatever you’ve seen, it’s important for you to know that you’re allowed to leave your unhealthy church. I’ll walk you through some basic tips for how to leave and how to take care of yourself in the process.
Before We Get Into the Tips
There are countless reasons why you might see your church as unhealthy. As a religious trauma therapist, I’ll be speaking in general terms, which means I might not speak to the nuances of your unique situation. I always recommend speaking with your own therapist about this topic for individualized support.
Tip #1: Make a list of all the unhealthy behaviors that are prompting you to leave.
This serves as your list of reasons for why leaving your unhealthy church is the right choice for you. When you have a moment of doubt, or question if it’s actually that bad, come back to this list for a sanity check.
Your reasons for wanting to leave are real. Whether you’re wanting to end this experience for yourself, or you’re trying to protect other members of your family from being exposed to the unhealthy behavior you’ve witnessed, you’re allowed to trust that leaving is the right choice.
Tip #2: Gradually reduce how often you attend services.
If you’re worried about removing services from your calendar all together, this can provide a gentler option. Instead of going weekly, for instance, you might drop down to every other week, and then once a month over a period of 2-3 months.
On the weeks where you don’t attend services, you’ll have the opportunity to notice what it’s like for you to not be in that environment. Do you feel nervous? Calm? Relieved? That’s all information that can help you decide what you want to do as you move through your own process for leaving your church.
Tip #3: Write yourself a permission slip to stop attending services.
Seriously. Write it down somewhere you’ll see it regularly. If you’re worried about privacy, consider setting a calendar reminder on your phone so you get a daily reminder that you’re allowed to stop interacting with your unhealthy church.
One of the things that unhealthy churches are skilled at is making you feel like you can’t make decisions on your own and that you need to run them by a member of the clergy. You don’t though.
Whether you gradually reduce how often you attend services, or you take a cold turkey approach, you have agency and you’re allowed to give yourself permission to do what is healthiest for yourself.
Tip #4: If you have friends outside of the church, tell them you’re leaving.
Talking to people who are on the outside of an unhealthy environment can be a great support. Simply sharing the fact that you’re leaving with people who will be understanding can give you some exposure to what it’s like to be accepted and respected.
You might even want to invite your friends to get together during times that you used to attend services. This can give you a new, more positive association with the date and time that used to be spent in an unhealthy church environment.
Tip #5: Get support from people who specialize in working with people who’ve experienced religious trauma and/or spiritual abuse.
Reclamation Collective offers both support groups (offered online) and a therapist directory (so you can find a therapist licensed to practice in whichever state you live in). It’s so important to hear from other people who’ve had experiences similar to yours and the folks at Reclamation Collective have made it easier than ever for folks to connect with each other.
If you know that you’re wanting 1:1 support with leaving your unhealthy church, or you’re questioning if you’ve experienced religious trauma, I provide religious trauma therapy in Oregon and religious trauma therapy in Colorado as well. If you’re located in either state, I can support you either through 1:1 weekly therapy, or a therapy intensive. You can also check out this post on religious trauma treatment to get a sense of what it can be like, even before you reach out to me.
Now you have more information about how to go about leaving an unhealthy church.
Remember that you’re allowed to leave and you can do so on your own timeline. Create that list of reasons why you’re leaving so you can come back to it when you need a reminder that you don’t have to remain stuck in an unhealthy church.
