Challenges Interracial Couples Face

My name is Halle M. Thomas and I’m a couples therapist licensed to practice in the states of Colorado and Oregon. My private practice Chicory Counseling focuses on individual therapy and couples counseling. I work with people who are seeking support around racial identity, grief, chronic illness, and interracial relationships. 

This is a two part blog post that will cover some of the most common challenges that interracial couples face and how to make an interracial relationship work. For the first part of this blog post, I’ll be focusing on the common challenges that interracial couples can experience that prompt them to reach out to me for couples or marriage counseling.

As a general note, not all interracial couples experience these challenges, but for those who do, this post may be a source of affirmation that their experiences are more common than they may realize.

Common Challenges Interracial Couples Face

Challenge 1: Navigating cultural differences in interracial relationships. 

Many interracial couples I work with are often surprised by how some of their cultural values differ from each other. For instance, some cultures are more individualistic, while others are collectivist. I find this often comes up when talking about money. As an example, one member of the couple may desire to pool their money and have joint finances that they then distribute between themselves and some of their family members, while the other member of the couple may not want to share money in this way.

Cultural differences can also show up as different beliefs and behaviors around gender roles, sex, public displays of affection, spirituality and other topics as well. While there is nothing wrong with having cultural differences, some couples find that they need some extra support as they navigate these differences so they both feel respected and understood. 

Challenge 2: Other people judge their interracial relationship.

Some people have the experience of strangers openly judging their relationship. This can take the form of nasty looks while walking down the street with one’s partner, but it can also take on even more direct forms, such as being denied service at a restaurant, gas station, or other place of service. 

This is an experience that can also vary based on where you live. For cities in the US that have a high degree of racial diversity, interracial couples may not perceive as much judgment from strangers compared to interracial couples who live in less diverse areas. 

Some people also have the experience of being judged by family or friends for their interracial relationship. If we’re being more accurate, however, the judgment is more often based on the meaning that their family and friends are assigning to their interracial relationship. 

Challenge 3: Managing stress related to racism in interracial relationships. 

It’s important to note that racism takes on many different forms and can impact people very differently. That being said, many interracial couples I work with frequently talk about how the stress associated with experiencing racism affects their relationships. 

In couples where one person is a person of color and the other person is white, it can sometimes be challenging to navigate conversations related to experiencing racism. Some people may worry about their partner’s ability to understand or empathize with their experience. Other people may feel concerned that by talking about what they’ve experienced, that their partner is criticizing them or shaming them for their own racial identity. In both experiences, there is a common desire to be understood, and a shared fear of further disconnect.

In couples where both members of the couple are people of color, some find great comfort in being able to talk to their partner about the stress of experiencing racism. While the overlap in shared experience can be a great source of empathy and compassion, there is also room for couples to experience burnout related to these conversations; this burnout can also lead to feelings of isolation within the relationship.

Challenge 4: Difficulty talking about race, racism, and microaggressions within an interracial relationship. 

There are two common statements I hear when interracial couples see me for couples counseling. They usually sound like something along the following lines: 

“Whenever I try to talk to him about my experience as a Black woman, he accuses me of hating all white people. I don’t think my husband is a racist, but sometimes he says things that make me really uncomfortable. He says he wants to understand me better, and I want to keep trying, but I’m so tired of feeling this way,” 

or,

“I really want to talk about race, but my partner gets so defensive so fast. It’s like I can’t say anything right!” 

It can be difficult for many interracial couples to talk about race. The stakes can often feel high and tension can develop quickly. Even in the middle of this tension, both members of the couple usually share a common sentiment: they want to be understood and they don’t want their partner to think they’re a bad or hateful person. Talking about race can already be challenging for many people, and it becomes more so when trying to talk about the ways your partner may be making comments that do not land as intended.

It can also be helpful to note the history of talking about race within the United States is fraught with tension. Language around racial identity categories has changed rapidly over the last century, and common attitudes about what is acceptable to discuss can vary depending on where you are geographically located with the United States.

While there are many challenges that interracial couples may face, I want to be clear that interracial relationships can still be successful. 

The degree to which these challenges affect any given couple can vary widely as well. Some couples may not feel too bothered by some of the above challenges, while others may feel these challenges feel overwhelming or even impossible to overcome. 

In the second part of this blog post, I’ll go over some tips for how to work through the above challenges. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a few prompts to consider for your own personal reflection: 

• When did you first become aware of your own racial identity? 

• How do you feel about your own racial identity?

• What are conversations about race like for you? Do they feel comfortable? Annoying? Some other experience? 

• Do you and your partner ever talk about race? Or do you tend to stay away from that topic?

• In an ideal world, how would you like to feel when talking about race with your partner?

• How important is it for you to have your partner understand your cultural values?

Hi! I’m Halle, your couples counselor.

Hi! I’m Halle, a queer, biracial, African-American therapist who supports people in interracial relationships. I grew up in an interracial household and have seen firsthand the unique challenges interracial couples are faced with. My hope for you is to be able to build a relationship with a solid foundation where you are able to fully see and understand one another. I also want to teach you how to navigate other people’s reactions and perceptions of your relationship.

If you live in either Colorado or Oregon and want to work with me, contact me today for a complimentary consultation.