How I Stopped Social Anxiety From Ruining My Life
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “I’m never gonna be able to be around people without freaking out,” you’re definitely not alone — but you miiiight be selling yourself short. And I say this from experience. Let’s talk about how I stopped social anxiety from ruining my life and how you can learn to do the same.
Why can’t I socialize anymore?
I don’t know what the early years of the pandemic were like for you, but for me, it was very isolated. My partner and I holed up in our home in Portland and didn’t see any of our friends for what felt like forever.
But even before the pandemic, socializing wasn’t easy for me. Traumatic events and my own anxiety completely changed how I socialized. So if you’re also wondering why you can’t socialize anymore, or at least not in the way you used to, you’re not alone.
If you’re like me, you might be having a hard time socializing due to ongoing concerns about COVID, differences in risk tolerance, new insights about your sensory needs, or even realizing that you don’t want to be in environments where people are using drugs and alcohol to socialize.
What is social anxiety?
Here are some symptoms our friends over at The Mayo Clinic highlight:
Fear of situations where you might be negatively judged
Fear of interacting with strangers
Fear that other people will notice that you’re anxious
Fear or worry about embarrassing yourself
Fear of physical symptoms you might feel embarrassed by (like blushing, sweating, trembling)
Avoidance of situations where social interactions might happen
It’s worth pointing out that symptoms can change throughout your life. They can also go dormant for a bit and then show up again if you’re under a lot of stress.
What does severe social anxiety look like?
But first, a note on language. Severe can mean different things to different people. Within my own practice, I consider social anxiety to be severe when it’s:
Distressing to my client
Getting in the way of my client’s livelihood
Interfering with maintaining or forming relationships my client wants to have
Severe social anxiety doesn’t always have a literal “look,” but you might notice some of these symptoms in yourself.
Avoiding going to work, whether remote or in-person
Avoiding leaving your home because of fear of interactions with people
Avoiding talking to people you care about because of fear of judgement or embarrassment
Avoiding dating (even when you’d like to form a relationship) because of fear of interacting with another person
What worsens social anxiety?
Here are a few things that can make social anxiety worse:
Stress
Major life changes
Interactions with people who engage in acts of racism, homophobia, transphobia, ageism, ableism, and other -isms
Unsupportive commentary from people who do not understand what social anxiety is like
How do you get over social anxiety?
Spoiler alert: you’re not gonna simply “get over it,” but you are gonna learn how to work with it. Here’s what helped (and continues to help!) me:
Expand the idea of what being social looks like.
You don’t have to become someone who enjoys going out every night, nor do you need to start hosting dinner parties once a week. That’s a really narrow idea of what being social can look like.
For myself, I include both online and in-person interactions as part of my social life. My own social life includes a mix of the following:
Online movie nights with friends
Participating in an interest-based Discord server
Monthly in-person book club gatherings
One-on-one outings with a friend or family member
Microdose social interactions.
In other words, start small. There was a period of time in my life where my main social interactions came from ordering coffee at my local drive-thru coffee stand, or in the check-out line at Trader Joe’s.
These micro-interactions gave me an opportunity to practice for, and build up to, larger interactions. Here’s a checklist of things you can practice during small social interactions like this:
Say hello to the other person
Ask them how their day has been going
Thank them
With practice, I was able to learn what types of small talk I feel most comfortable with. I also had a chance to see that these micro-interactions were very low stakes.
TL;DR
Social anxiety isn’t something you just get over. But it is something that you can work with. Start small and give yourself permission to practice interacting in ways that feel a little less frightening.
I’m Halle! An anxiety therapist licensed in Colorado and Oregon.
I work with adults who are ready for anxiety to stop running (and ruining!) their lives. You can work with me in either 1:1 weekly therapy, or in a therapy intensive.
If you live in either Colorado or Oregon, I’d love to work with you. Request a free intro call to get started!
